Rob Grant
and Doug Naylor
|
'Beyond a Joke' Rob Grant and Doug Naylor |
|
1.Int. Starbug.
LISTER:
Mm! Smells good, Kryten. What is it?
KRYTEN:
Something I caught scuttling around the cargo bay, sir... managed to land a monkey wrench on it, and the rest is history!
LISTER:
'Scuttling thing, a la monkey wrench'? Kryten, nothing I'm prepared to eat has ever scuttled. This mouth is a scuttle-free zone. It does smell good though, what is it?
KRYTEN:
Ah, the only clue I'm prepared to give, sir, is: we're having it with green wine...
LISTER:
It's space weevil, isn't it...
KRYTEN:
It is not, no, sir.
LISTER:
Look, the rule is simple: I will not eat any animal that has ever been a cartoon. Weevils, rabbits, dogs, cats, mice, Roadrunners; all out. I'm not a cartoonivore!
KRYTEN:
Ta-daa!
LISTER:
Lobster!
KRYTEN:
Poached, in a delicate cream sauce, sir. Little so-and-so escaped in the hold.
LISTER:
Where did you get a live lobster?
KRYTEN:
The S.S. Centauri, they had four in their stasis block.
LISTER:
You've really gone to a lot of trouble over this, haven't you...
KRYTEN:
You don't know what day it is, do you, sir?
LISTER:
Today? Someone's birthday?
KRYTEN:
Nope.
LISTER:
Christmas? Easter?
KRYTEN:
Nope.
LISTER:
National ‘Have Something That Scuttles For Dinner’ day?
KRYTEN:
No.
LISTER:
Well, what then?
KRYTEN:
Today is the day that you rescued me from the Nova 5.I thought we should have a surprise celebration!
LISTER:
I had no idea! Why didn't you say? Ahh, if you'd said, it wouldn't have been much of a surprise, right?
KRYTEN:
Precisely, sir, it would have been about as unsurprising as an episode of ‘Tales Of The Unexpected’.
LISTER:
Eh?
KRYTEN:
The old Channel 72 show. It was... Everyone... Ahem. Never mind.
Enter KOCHANSKI and the CAT.
KOCHANSKI:
Okay everyone? Ready? Let's go!
KRYTEN:
Go?
CAT:
We're going to the Artificial Reality suite! We just loaded in that new software we picked up from the S.S. Centauri.
KOCHANSKI:
Can you believe the luck? Finding a working copy of Jane Austin World's the luckiest find I've made since I discovered that tube of leg-wax under the medi-scanner.
CAT:
You found my leg-wax?
KOCHANSKI:
We're going to visit 'Pride And Prejudice' Land. This is gonna be so great!
CAT:
It's Chick City, bud! Five sisters and they're all hotter than a Mustang's exhaust!
KRYTEN:
But, what about the supper?
LISTER:
The thing is... we didn't know.
KOCHANSKI:
Just, put it in the oven, and we'll have it in a couple of hours.
KRYTEN:
But, I mean, it's just -
KOCHANSKI:
Look, I'm just trying to get the Bozo Brothers here interested in something slightly more culturally Sophisticated than 'Name That Smell', or the even more popular 'How Many Marbles Can You Fit Up Your Nostril' game... We'll have it when we get back.
KRYTEN:
And you're going to go with them, sir? This is... It's unbelievable.
KOCHANSKI:
I know! Davey and Jane Austin are not an obvious pairing. But think about it: she's closely identifiable to Bath in the Nineteenth century, and that was the last time Dave had one! (She laughs, the she and CAT leave)
LISTER:
I just thought I'd check it out... Y'know, I never had much of an education, what with being and orphan, and going to art college. Thought I might learn something here.
KRYTEN:
Of course. How silly of me. After all, you've always been a big fan of penetrating Nineteenth century observations of middle-class manners. I mean, just because you own a T-shirt advertising the rock band 'Colostomy Explosion' doesn't mean you're not a master of erudition!
LISTER:
Oh, just stick it in the oven, come and join us and we'll have it when we get back!
KRYTEN:
Two days I've spent, preparing this!
LISTER:
Kryten, I've gotta go, man, they're waiting for me. I'm sorry.
He leaves.
KRYTEN:
I don't know why I bother. Gallivanting off like that! And on our anniversary too!
2. AR simulation of a forest.
KOCHANSKI:
'Pride and Prejudice' World! When I was fourteen in Cyberschool I used to spend all my time here.
CAT:
These strides are too tackle-tight, Officer B-B. I can barely cruise!
KOCHANSKI:
Look, just try and appreciate the nuances and culture.
CAT:
I'm tryin', but it's real hard when there's a seam splicing your nadgers in two!
KOCHANSKI:
You're gonna spoil it for us, aren't you...
LISTER:
No he won't, he'll be fine. Look man, all clothes were a bit nadger-restricting back in them days. That's why there were so many wars.
KOCHANSKI:
Okay? Let's interact with the characters, then perhaps you can begin to understand why the book is such a masterpiece..?
Five young women fade into existence, along with MISTERS BENNET, an older, maternal
woman.
KOCHANSKI:
Ah! Good morning, Misters Bennet. Is it not a most fine day?
MISTERS BENNETT:
'Tis an utter delight and no mistake. Oh, we don't believe we've had the pleasure of meeting your handsome young friends..?
The girls giggle.
KOCHANSKI:
This is Mister Lister, and his friend Mister Cat.
The girls giggle.
MISTERS BENNETT:
Perhaps you would like to join us on a turn around the forest, and later have tea in Mister Pindley's gazebo?
1ST SISTER:
Oh please, mama, can they come?
2ND SISTER:
May they, oh, that would be so delightful!
1ST SISTER:
Oh yes, oh, please! Oh do! Do come to tea, oh please, please!
CAT:
(To LISTER) They're so hot they're steamin'!
3.Int. Starbug.
KRYTEN:
"Cook it", "don't cook it", "do this", "do that"! Well, I'm sorry, I'm gonna make you eat this damn supper if it's the last thing I do!
He enters AR simulation.
4. Woodland within AR simulation .
KRYTEN stalks the others; we hear the girls giggling as the party makes their way slowly through the woodland. KRYTEN picks off a straggling sister with a blowpipe. He catches the next sister in a rope trap and silences her with the blowpipe, then tries to kill another sister with a log swing trap, but misses.
5.Int. Starbug .
KRYTEN returns.
KRYTEN:
Just borrow the T-72 from the WW2 game... and then I think we'll have everyone's attention...
6. Gazebo by a lakeside in the AR simulation.
MISTERS BENNETT:
Where on earth have Dame Lizzie and Jane disappeared to? Such rudeness! I'm most vexed!
The surviving girls giggle.
KOCHANSKI:
Never mind, Mrs Bennet, I'm sure they'll be -
A T-72 tank rolls out of the lake; KRYTEN opens the hatch and stands up.
KRYTEN:
Perhaps I didn't make myself clear? I said: 'supper is ready'!
He fires a round from the tank which utterly destroys the gazebo. When the smoke clears, only LISTER, CAT and KOCHANSKI are alive.
KRYTEN:
Is anyone still unclear as to the supper situation? No? Excellent.
LISTER:
(Quietly) I didn't know robots got P.M.T.!
7.Int. Starbug mid-section .
All the CREW are present. The mood is tense.
LISTER:
It's nice, Kryts, really nice.
KOCHANSKI:
It's really great.
LISTER:
In fact, it's better than nice, it's fantastic.
KOCHANSKI:
Isn't it great?
LISTER:
It's really great.
KOCHANSKI:
Really, really great.
CAT:
Are we eating the same stuff?
KRYTEN:
I don't know why I make the effort. No one appreciates the hours I put into food prep! My fingers are practically worn down to the endoskeleton.
LISTER:
Is there any ketchup?
KRYTEN:
Any what?
LISTER:
Ketchup. I just thought it could do with a bit of ketchup... Just a dollop..?
KRYTEN:
Ketchup??
KOCHANSKI:
Oh my god...
KRYTEN:
You want ketchup??
LISTER:
Errm... brown! Not tomato! Brown! It's not like I've got no class...
KRYTEN:
With lobster? You want brown ketchup?
LISTER:
It's really nice Kryts, but you know me, I just thought it could do with a bit of a pep-up...
KRYTEN:
I can't believe it. I simply cannot b -
His head explodes, showering the diners.
CAT:
Oh well done, bud! Now we'll have to do the washing up!
KOCHANSKI:
He's literally blown his top! Cat, can you go and get a spare head?
CAT:
How come I have to do everything around here? I never get a second to myself! "Cat, do this", “Cat, do that"; what am I? A dog?
8.Int. Starbug medi-bay.
LISTER is fiddling with one of KRYTEN’s spare heads. Shortly, he screws the head onto KRYTEN's shoulders.
LISTER:
There. I think that's it; boot him up.
KOCHANSKI:
You're sure you know what you're doing?
LISTER:
Hey...
KRYTEN:
Ketchup?? With lobster, you want -
His second head explodes violently.
KOCHANSKI:
I thought you said you knew what you were doing!
LISTER:
No, I just said 'hey'. If you'd let me finish the whole sentence it'd have been: 'hey... no I don't'.
They are joined by CAT.
CAT:
Any luck?
KOCHANSKI:
We've been back and forth through his core program and, as far as we can tell, nothing's wrong.
CAT:
Maybe worth testing it with one of his spare heads?
LISTER:
What spare heads...
KOCHANSKI:
We've blown them all out!
LISTER:
Look at it. Have you ever seen so many blackheads outside the staff-room of a fried chicken franchise?
KOCHANSKI:
We've managed to save his RAM chips, so at least we've got his personality on disk, but, that's about it...
CAT:
Life without a head... that's gonna put a real crimp on his lifestyle. I mean, what can you do without a head?
LISTER:
Apart from being you? Hardly anything.
KOCHANSKI:
We're going to have to get him another one, somehow.
LISTER:
I should've been looking out for him. How could I let this happen?
KOCHANSKI:
When was the Centauri built..? Maybe they had a mechanoid service unit?
LISTER:
(To CAT) Think. Any clues when it was built?
KOCHANSKI:
Which century?
CAT:
It had those big crystalline turbine drives... I'd say Twenty-first, or Twenty-second century. Maybe even Twenty-third or Twenty-fourth. At the outside, Twenty-fifth, Twenty-sixth or Twenty-seventh. But don't hold me to it.
KOCHANSKI:
And we're asking his advice? Let's at least ask someone who's at least going to give us a slightly more intelligent opinion: Hello, wall! What do you think?
LISTER:
Hang on, hang on...
KOCHANSKI:
What're you doing?
LISTER:
Logging on to their mainframe... If there's a Divadroid signature on their supplies inventory then its possible there're some mech heads 'round there somewhere.
CAT:
Maybe Twenty-ninth...
9.Int. The Centauri
There are lots of mechancial parts scattered around here.
KOCHANSKI:
Look!
A line of old, dirty mechanoid heads hang from a rail. LISTER spies something.
LISTER:
Hey; simulant... probably rogue. Lt's get the smeg outta here!
We hear noises of something approaching. LISTER, CAT and KOCHANSKI hide under a tarpaulin.
LISTER(V.O.):
Hmm, you smell good...
CAT(V.O.):
Thanks!
A simulant passes by their hiding place and disappears into the derelict ship.
KOCHANSKI:
They're all missing their primers.
LISTER:
Well this Johnny won't help us. Simulants hate anything human or humanoid. In fact, anything beginning with a 'hu'...
KOCHANSKI:
Probably hate the third largest city in Vietnam, then... (Laughs)
LISTER:
(A beat) How's that?
KOCHANSKI:
Because it's called 'Hu', dummy. Well, actually, it's pronounced 'Hwah', but if I'd said 'hwah' it wouldn't have been as funny. Any navigation conference anywhere, they would be in the aisles with a quip like that.
LISTER:
Probably trying to get out the building before you quipped again...
KOCHANSKI:
Well, the point I was trying to make is that sims hate humans, but they don't hate Gelfs...
CAT:
But, we're not Gelfs...
KOCHANSKI:
We could be.
10.Int. Starbug mid-section.
CAT and KOCHANSKI are dressed in Gelf suits. KOCHANSKI holds a leash around LISTER’s neck.
LISTER:
This is nuts!
KOCHANSKI:
We look great! What are you talking about?
LISTER:
This is never gonna work.
KOCHANSKI:
Ak ak ak akka ak? Ha ak?
CAT:
Hyak ak ak ak! Ak akakakak!
LISTER:
You can't speak Gelf...
KOCHANSKI:
Neither can the sim! We'll just do an impression of you first thing in the morning and we'll be fine! Come on, boy...
11.Int. The Centauri
LISTER:
This is so demeaning. I feel like a piece of meat!
CAT:
There's someone up there!
CAT and KOCHANSKI call out in their fake language.
LISTER:
It's worse than a chronic catarrh sufferers' annual outing!
12.Int. Room within the Centauri .
KOCHANSKI and CAT are seated at a table with the SIMULANT. LISTER is standing, leashed, between them. KOCHANSKI speaks in ‘Gelf’ and gestures at a rail of mech heads.
SIMULANT:
After spare mech heads, eh?
The SIMULANT appears to suddenly notice LISTER for the first time.
SIMULANT:
'Uman! Lovely with a bit of mint sauce! 'Ow about a trade?
CAT:
We ain't sellin', okay? Fuel, supplies, anything, but not the human.
KOCHANKSI urgently hacks in ‘Gelf’.
CAT:
I was just tellin' him. No deal.
Again KOCHANSKI tries to warn CAT.
CAT:
Like she says: no deal.
KOCHANKSI desperately tries to make CAT understand.
CAT:
You tell him, Butt-Babe! No deal! You got that?
SIMULANT:
So... you speak Earth, eh?
Realising his mistake, CAT's face slides into a sickly smile and he
utters a single hack, thumb and index finger of one had raised and close together.
SIMULANT:
Tails... you can 'ave the mech 'eads for free... 'eads... I take the 'uman.
LISTER:
Hey, wait a minute!
SIMULANT flips a coin.
SIMULANT:
It's tails, the 'eads are yours. And, 'ere, are the primers. Now, 'ow about a toast, eh? To Simulants: the greatest droids in the Universe. But never trust 'em, eh? Cheers! (He laughs)
12.Int. Starbug mid-section.
Starbug looks to have been hit by an internal hurricane.
Enter LISTER, CAT and KOCHANSKI.
LISTER:
Aw, we've been set up!
CAT:
But how??
KOCHANSKI:
He must have had a sidekick. He kept us talking while his mate ransacked the ship!
LISTER:
Kryten!
They all run off.
13.Int. Starbug medi-bay .
The medi-bay is trashed too. They ALL enter.
LISTER:
They've taken his RAM chip, too...
14.Int. Workshop aboard the Centauri .
The SIMULANT is here with another mechanoid; it has the same head as KRYTEN but a green body shell.
SIMULANT:
'Ere's a little job for you, Able. Looks like a negadrive blow back.
ABLE:
(A broad, slightly slurring accent) Oh wow! Another mech.
SIMULANT:
Fix 'im, ready for market, or I'll apply the electro-leash to your nipples.
ABLE:
Fix him, or get fried nipple nuts? Er, er, I think I'm gonna choose the 'fix him' option! Deal!
SIMULANT:
'Urry up! You stupid 'zoney!
The SIMULANT bashes an iron bar over the mech's bald head, bending the bar with the force.
ABLE:
Is now a good time to ask about a pay rise?
ABLE receives another bash over the head.
ABLE:
Uh, I'm almost out of ultrazone, I need some more.
SIMULANT:
Fix the mech, first. 'Ere's 'is RAM chip.
SIMULANT leaves. ABLE picks up a tall, unlabelled bottle, opens his chest screen and plugs the bottle into the cavity. As the contents seep in, ABLE's face turns peaceful, and he sighs happily. After a short time he removes the bottle and closes the orifice.
ABLE:
Totally tubular!
15.Int. Workshop aboard the Centauri.
Some hours later, while ABLE has been tinkering with KRYTEN.
KRYTEN:
Goodness me! What a peculiar experience. Thank you, Mister.. er. Mister.. er. What is your name?
ABLE:
Er, just give me a second, okay?
ABLE looks distant and appears to tense himself for a moment.
ABLE:
I've just sent that query down to long term memory retrieval. It'll be back in no time. Hang on, here it comes. Told you it would be quick. Abel. My name's Able: A.B.L.E, Able.
KRYTEN:
My name is Kryten. You're a 4000-series, too, aren't you?
ABLE:
Er, hang on. Won't take a tick.
KRYTEN:
Please, don't bother. Believe me, you are a 4000.
ABLE:
Well, I could check. It'll only take about twenty seconds.
KRYTEN:
Your serial number's '2X4C'.I'm a 2X4c too! We must have the same motherboard.
ABLE:
Woah, then you're my bro'! Hey, wow, you wanna try some Ultrazone?
KRYTEN:
Ultrazone's dangerous and highly addictive!
ABLE:
Why, I only use it every now and then, y'know? It helps me get through the day.
KRYTEN:
Well how come you ended up here?
ABLE:
Er, hang on.
Again, ABLE tenses himself up and makes a straining noise.
KRYTEN:
What an irritating characteristic...
ABLE:
Okay: the ship I was on, well, it, er, kind of crashed a bit.
KRYTEN:
'Crashed a bit'?
ABLE:
All the crew just lay there and they didn't talk to me anymore. Then, after a couple of years I figured out they must be dead. Then a long time later, the Simulant guy came and picked me up. He's a bit of a psychopathic killing machine, but, he has his good side. And, he has a huge stash of ultrazone! You sure you won't try some, Kryten? Bro'?
KRYTEN:
I'm not your bro', and I do not touch ultrazone! It corrupts your circuit boards!
ABLE:
Well, that's what people say, but... where's the evidence? (A beat) Have I just said that?
16.Int. Starbug cockpit.
ALL present.
LISTER:
Approaching the Centauri. Eighty klicks and closing. Nice and easy, man...
CAT:
Hang on. Their retros have started up. They've spotted us!
KOCHANSKI:
Look at the acceleration of that thing! They're already halfway across the sector!
LISTER:
The Centauri can travel at speeds that we can only dream of...
CAT:
Most ice cream vans can travel at speeds we can only dream of...
LISTER:
(A sigh) We're never gonna catch them now. We've lost Kryten.
KOCHANSKI:
Okay, turn the thrusters to maximum speed on a bearing Q23 stroke J80.
17. Model shot.
Starbug in pursuit.
18. Int. Starbug cockpit.
LISTER:
This is the opposite direction to the Centauri. Full speed!
KOCHANSKI:
Precisely.
CAT:
Well, why do we wanna do that?
KOCHANSKI:
It's totally insane.
LISTER:
So why do we wanna do it then?
KOCHANSKI:
The only reason I can think of is if we've planted something on the Centauri and we knew it was gonna blow any second.
CAT:
But we haven't.
KOCHANSKI:
No, we haven't. But explain this: if we haven't, why are we in such a rush to get the hell out of here?
CAT:
It doesn't make sense.
KOCHANSKI:
Exactly.
LISTER:
Unless we really have planted a bomb on the Centauri.
KOCHANSKI:
Which we haven't.
CAT:
So wait a minute. Even if we didn't plant a bomb, the only thing that really explains what we're doing is if we did! Which we didn't! But we must have! Because, otherwise, what we're doing is totally nuts!
KOCHANSKI:
Exactly.
LISTER:
They've turned around and started tracking us!
CAT:
What a fluke!
19.Model/CGI shot.
Starbug and the other ship.
20.Int. Starbug cockpit.
LISTER:
Getting an incoming... someone's beaming on board... cargo bay!
21.Int. Starbug cargo bay.
LISTER, CAT and KOCHANSKI take cover behind bulkheads, as the SIMULANT, GELF PARTNER, ABLE, and KRYTEN are present.
SIMULANT:
We know about the bomb.
CAT:
So we did plant a bomb! I was beginning to wonder.
SIMULANT:
Where did you hide it!? Speak! Or you'll spend the rest of the day picking bits of charred mech out of your clothing.
CAT:
Er, can I change into dungarees?
LISTER:
Hand over Kryten and we'll tell ya.
SIMULANT:
Clearly, I need to prove myself... Kryten, that file in your CPU; the one you've never been able to access... The password is '4X2C'...
ABLE:
Hang on a minute...
SIMULANT:
It's about your creator, Kryten. Doctor Mamet.
KOCHANSKI:
Kryten, no!
KRYTEN:
Accessing now... No! It can't be true... It can't...
ABLE:
The truth is in there. That's what turned me into a 'zoney.
SIMULANT:
Who's next? The Cat? Or the woman? Choose: heads or tails?
ABLE:
Heads!
ABLE suddenly removes his head and throws it at the SIMULANT, knocking him back. LISTER rushes in, swing-kicks him in the head and knocking him to the ground, then shoots at the GELF and knocks it unconscious.
LISTER:
Right, lets send them back to their ship and get the hell out of 'ere before they get their smeg together!
22.Int. Starbug.
KRYTEN is sitting unmoving. LISTER enters.
LISTER:
Kryten, man, what's wrong? You look sadder than the salad you get with a takaway shaami kebab. Tell me what you found out about your creator.
KRYTEN:
I can't, sir, it's too terrible.
LISTER:
Kryten, me and you are amigos; you've gotta tell me.
KRYTEN:
Well, you keep secrets from me, sir.
LISTER:
Like what?
KRYTEN:
What about your nickname when you were at school?
LISTER:
What nickname?
KRYTEN:
I know what it was.
LISTER:
I don't think so; no one knows that.
KRYTEN:
Well, I'm afraid that's just not true, "Fatboy". You talk in your sleep.
LISTER:
It was for a couple of years! Eleven to thirteen when I was living with m' gran. She was massive, her stockings used to rub together when she walked; when she was in a hurry it sounded like a steam train pulling out of a station! I started getting fat too. It really hit home when she died. She got knocked down by this truck, and the chalk outline guys had to go back to the truck for a second piece of chalk! I thought: I don't want to end up like that, double-chalker! If you ever tell Kris or the Cat this, you're in pieces. Now tell me about you creator.
KRYTEN:
Oh, it's so humiliating!
LISTER:
Tell me about Professor Mamet!
KRYTEN:
Well, she was due to marry John Warburton, a fellow bio-engineer. He jilted her the day before their wedding, so she decided to create a droid in his image; a pompous, ridiculous-looking, mother-hen clucking, irascible buffoon.
LISTER:
What happenned to this droid?
KRYTEN:
That droid, sir, is me!
LISTER:
Pompous? Ridiculous-looking? Mother-hen clucking? Oh yeah, I see now...
KRYTEN:
We're all John Warburton, sir, the entire 4000-series. It was Mamet’s revenge.
LISTER:
Well, judging from the length of your groinal attachment, you can see why she was so sad to lose him...
KRYTEN:
As part of the joke, all my negative emotions - jealousy, anger - are stored on a special file: my 'negadrive'. Now, when this file gets full it blows! Just like he used to.
LISTER:
All your resentment's in this thing? It's so small.
KRYTEN:
Oh, don't be fooled by that, sir. This box contains the greatest concentration of anger, jealousy and resentment outside a BAFTA awards ceremony!
LISTER:
Able felt betrayed, lost all his self-esteem; it's what turned him to ultrazone. He told me. He's promised to quit.
KRYTEN:
How could Mamet have done this?
LISTER:
Kryten, you may have started out as a joke, but you've grown, you've changed. Look how different you are to Able. If Mammett came in here now, I bet she wouldn't even recognise you.
KRYTEN:
I've evolved?
LISTER:
You bet.
KRYTEN:
I've become something that's... beyond a joke?
LISTER:
Too right, man.
KOCHANSKI enters.
KOCHANSKI:
There's something coming in from the starboard bow!
23.Int. Starbug cockpit.
LISTER and KRYTEN join CAT and KOCHANSKI.
CAT:
The Sim's back; he's got a lock on!
LISTER:
Reverse thrust. Go! Five, niner, seven.
KOCHANSKI:
Missed, but still locked on! Right, I'm taking us into that asteroid belt.
CAT:
Oh, not an asteroid belt!
KOCHANSKI:
Is that a problem?
CAT:
It sure is! Everything tips from side to side, and my hair gets all messed up!
KOCHANSKI:
So what do we do? Stay here and get splattered?
CAT:
Rather that than me looking like Tina Turner!
LISTER:
I'm taking us in.
KRYTEN:
Once we're in the belt, we'll have to maintain ship and engine silence 'till he's convinced we're not there.
24.Int. Centauri Ops room.
SIMULANT present.
SIMULANT:
I know you're in that belt... somewhere... One little mistake... and you're mine...
MONTAGE: once powered down, the crew spend a tense few hours passing time in the mid-section. left by himself, Able wanders into the cockpit to take a hit of ultrazone. He accidentally leans on a switch on the control panel, powering up their engines and causing an energy surge.
SIMULANT:
The mistake is made...
25.Int. Starbug cockpit.
ABLE present. The CREW enter.
LISTER:
What happenned, man!?
ABLE:
I dunno, I don't know nothin'!
CAT:
Clear out of here!
KRYTEN:
Leave him to me!
ABLE and KRYTEN leave.
26.Int. Starbug .
ABLE and KRYTEN enter.
ABLE:
(Spaced out and laughing) Oh, I think I may have pressed the wrong button...
KRYTEN:
You have jeopardised the lives of the entire crew, breaking the most basic, fundamental command codes!
ABLE:
(seriously) I'm sorry.I didn't mean nuthin'...
27.Int. Starbug cockpit.
LISTER:
This dude's real mad, we don't stand a chance!
KOCHANSKI:
I can't throw him off; nothing's working, I'm using every trick I know to distract him!
CAT:
Pity we can't all moon out of the starboard portholes! That always works for me!
LISTER:
Wait! Someone's left the ship. An escape pod!
KRYTEN:
It's Able!
LISTER:
It's heading towards the Sim's ship.
KRYTEN:
Why, that slimy, double-crossing, two-faced piece of scum! He's no brother of mine!
LISTER:
He's fired something at them...
CAT:
Some sort of energy field... looks heavy.
KRYTEN:
The negadrive! He's used my negadrive energy and re-routed it through the escape pod's thrusters. The Simulant ship is engulfed in all my negativity.
28.Int. Centauri Ops room.
SIMULANT present.
SIMULANT:
It's all 'opeless! Nobody loves me; I'm so ugly! I never get invited to parties! I 'ate this ship! I 'ate everything!
The Centauri explodes.
29.Int. Starbug cockpit.
KOCHANSKI:
Able's pod just crash-landed.
LISTER:
He threw his life away to save us and we hardly knew him...
KRYTEN:
With your permission, sirs, ma'am, I should like to recover the body and perform last rites.
30.Int. Starbug cargo bay.
ALL present as KRYTEN carries the motionless body of ABLE out of the pod.
LISTER:
Do you need a hand, Kryts?
KRYTEN:
He ain't heavy, sir, he's my brother.
31.Int. An indian restaurant in an AR simulation.
ALL present, together with MRS BENNETT and the SISTERS from ‘Pride and Prejudice’ World.
LISTER:
Great anniversary party, Kryters. Curry World! Fan-smeggin'-tastic!
The girls giggle.
MISTERS BENNETT:
How utterly splendid! Mine's the 'vindaloo', whatever that is!
KOCHANSKI:
Mrs Bennet, Jane, Kitty; I beg you have the omelette with the big chips. Curries are an acquired taste...
MISTERS BENNETT:
Oh nonsense! Mister Darcy didn't think Jane would enjoy french apples, but she did, didn't you Jane? Now, tuck in, girls!
MRS BENNETT and the girls start eating, their faces showing some
surprise.
MISTERS BENNETT:
I do declare, Mister Lister, this is most scrumptious!
1ST SISTER:
Oh mama, it's the most succulent dish I've ever tasted!
2ND SISTER:
A most meritorious venture.
KOCHANSKI, LISTER and CAT take a mouthful of their own curries, and they just enough time to swallow before....
KOCHANSKI, LISTER and CAT:
AAaarrggg!!
KRYTEN:
Curious. There must be some sort of bug in the program...
LISTER:
I'm on fire!!
CAT:
Water!
KOCHANSKI:
Somebody help me!
KRYTEN:
Don't worry, sir, I'll work on it...
Chris Barrie (Rimmer), Craig Charles (Lister),Danny John-Jules (Cat), Robert Llewellyn (Kryten), Chloe Anett (Kochanski), Don Henderson (Simulant),
Vicky Ogden (Mrs Benner), Alina Proctor (Jane Bennet), Catherine Harvey (Kitty Bennet), Sophia Thierens (Lydia Bennet), Rebecca Katz (Mary Bennet), Julia Lloyd (Elizabeth Bennet)
Directed by Andy De Emmony
TX:
BBC2 - 21st February 1997
Notes:
*Featuring Dave Lister, Cat, Kryten, and Christine Kochanski